You know what's the worst part of depression? Not realizing you're depressed.
A few weeks ago, I had this intense and long manic episode. I ate only cheesepuffs for 4 days straight. I strutted around in heels and pajamas. I maxed out a few credit cards. I giggled and danced and felt way too excited and alive. I also got extremely, irrationally angry. Like punch the mirror out angry over a zit. Over the next door neighbor's dog barking. Over dishes that I had procrastinated doing. But my fantastic medication helps to level it out. Without my medicine, it would have been worse. But my medicine is a type of upper, since I'm normally down. It makes manic stages a little more intense, yet still manageable.
But coming down can sometimes take a nosedive. It wasn't until today that I realized I had a depressive episode after my manic episode. I came down from my high and felt calm. Everything was okay. Everything was too okay. It was fine for me to leave bags of trash inside. It was fine for me to cry for no reason. It was fine for me to skip meals. It was fine for me to spend any time not at work in my bed.
It's not fine, though. I didn't recognize the symptoms until it was over. Do you know how frustrating that is? My therapist says to keep a journal of my moods and to see the patterns. To understand my mood shifts. I'm sure it would help if I did it more. To see the symptoms playing out and knowing I'm going through a depressive state. It seems like I'm so used to being down that I'm not sure what's it like to be normal. Depressed is my normal.
But it's not. Depression is not my normal and I won't let it be.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, sometimes people with mental illnesses don't realize themselves when they're having a spell, let alone know how to convey our struggles to someone else. Sometimes it's not an intense episode. Sometimes is just a feeling for a few days. So before you tell someone they seem "normal" when they try to tell you they think they're having an episode, or that they don't seem "depressed enough," try again. Just listen and support. Ask if you can do anything for them. Be there. Offer to clean their house (thanks Daisy). Be a friend.
Until next time.
Make good choices.
